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Airing the Truth

15-may-2003

After dating someone a few months, there are secrets you just canÕt hold in any longer. For example, some people pass wind; I manufacture poison gas. If I eat the wrong foods, I produce an odour only rivaled by the dead.

Maybe it was the broccoli I’d eaten at supper, or the cheesecake the night before, or the salami and cheese snack I’d had an hour earlier— maybe it was all three of those things in some bizarre chemical reaction— but the other night I was particularly foul. Instead of saying something, I tried every trick I knew to keep my trap shut.

Lucky for me, I’m graced with a refined ass. I have silent farts, completely undetectable by the human ear. Early in our dating, there were a few times when I let one go and successfully had my boyfriend convinced it was the dog. Even now he says he can’t tell our farts apart, which sometimes makes her less popular than she should be. So be it, she’s an animal, and I have feelings.

Other times I strategized and went to the washroom (you can only do that once or twice in an hour before suspicion sets in), or I cinched my anal pucker tight and wouldn’t open it for the world. I passed out at a gig once doing that, and no word of lie, they hauled me out on a stretcher (yes, my sphincter is that tight). Take it from me, holding in your bum–breath is unhealthy, and dangerous. Now and then, you gotta let one rip.

By midnight, just as we were beginning to snuggle, I started to cramp up in pain from repressng my rear. Every time he wrapped an arm around me and squeezed, a chemical bomb threatened to roll out of my ass and detonate. Instead of admitting my discomfort, I pushed away from him. I hate being chained to my body almost as much as I hate being vulnerable (the irrational and not very intelligent feeling is, if I smell, he will dislike me).

“Is that you?” my boyfriend asked.

I looked around for the dog.

“You’re rotting from the inside out,” he said. “It’s like a cloud of shit; it just hangs there.” He wiggled his fingers in the air above me.

I apologized, sincerely, and told him I’d been holding that poison for hours. He sprayed two kinds of air freshener, then, much to his credit, he laid back down with me. As it does when secrets are revealed, my mind went Ahhh, thankful to have cleared the air.